I thought about keeping this to myself, but decided that would be selfish.
A week ago, I went on a first date with this cool girl I’d been messaging with on OKC. We ended up at a variety show (her choice), which actually turned out to be a burlesque show. I think it was kind of an overwhelming experience for her, but I didn’t say or do anything incredibly stupid so she agreed to the second date.
This time she suggested we go to an improv club called UCB. I was like sure, how ‘bout that mystery show next week? She agreed and I was genuinely excited because mystery shows are like mystery boxes and mystery boxes are like fucking awesome.
Anyways, it’s date night, and we walk in and are immediately separated by the theater crew. Why? Because the audience was being separated down the middle by gender. Fuck. I already felt like I was in over my head. I spotted some guy that looked as anxious as I felt and decided to sit next to him. Strength in numbers.
A few minutes later, the house lights drop and the announcer cries out “Put your hands together for Aziz Ansari!!” I clapped till my hands were numb, stoked beyond belief. Huge fan of the guy. Seen and loved all his specials, not to mention he was the man who put Chick-Fil-A on my radar.
The show began with him explaining he was working on a book about modern dating with a reputable sociologist and his opening was a solid ten minutes of hilarity on the subject that concluded with “So, who here has asked anyone out over text in the past week?” and like the stupid sheep I am, I raise my hand, and was immediately ushered onstage along with two other people. I can see my date sitting in the audience with a look on her face that could only be described as nausea inducing horror. Then I remember that Aziz fucking Ansari is standing right next to me, so I turn to him as he says “Alright guys, now bring up the text conversation where you ask the person out”. I do what he says (again, stupid sheep=me) and before I know it, Aziz is now holding my phone reading it out loud in front of the sold out audience.
He immediately figures out I’m on OKC because the first fucking text of the conversation was from her saying “Hey this is Laura from OKCupid”. And Aziz was like “Cool, we’re gonna talk about OKCupid later. Why don’t you log on right there”. I turn around and notice for the first time, a laptop hooked up to a projector. Did I mention it was a sold out show?
So, I sit down and type in my shit correctly despite the fact that I can no longer feel my fingers because all the blood had evaporated from my body in a shame induced exodus. While this is going on he reads this gem from my phone from earlier in the week:
"Hey Laura! Last night was lots of fun. Only downside was not getting to talk to you enough. Would you like to go out with me again somewhere quieter with less naked people to distract?"
Crowd. Goes. Fucking. Wild.
"What the hell kind of date did you guys go on?!"
I stammer out something about a burlesque show. I think. Honestly couldn’t hear myself over the pounding of my own heart.
Aziz keeps reading through the conversation while I melt under the gaze of a hundred people and he eventually gets to the part where my date suggests the UCB club and I, in turn, say we should check out the Super Secret Show. I can see the wheels turning in his head as it dawns on him…
"WAIT! IS SHE HERE?!"
By this point I’d forgotten how to talk, so I just nod my head, and again, crowd goes wild. It sounded like a Jerry Springer taping by this point.
Aziz kept talking after that, but I wasn’t quite comprehending what was going on because I was in full-blown “glitch in the Matrix” mode. Definitely something about my date being there. I could just make her out through the bright theater lights. “Cool, she’s freaking out too” is what I think to myself. Eventually, the two other people on stage leave and I sneak off behind them, back into my seat and end up thoroughly enjoying the rest of the show (my OKC profile, thank God, was forgotten).
And… Yeah. On the walk to her car afterwards, my date confides that she was so nervous during the show she thought she was going to throw up. I’m kind of a genius, so I take this as a sign to awkwardly kiss her for the first time. Her reaction to that was a quiet one. And by quiet, I mean she got in her car without saying anything and drove away. Not sure if I’ll ever see her again.
But that was my Thursday night and it was awesome.
TL;DR Always go to the mystery show. Always.